Rarest of the rare

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To Jigeesha – you were the rarest of the rare

I have thought about you often, since March 18, 2009

 

Today 

Are you home and surrounded by books?

Do you startle at the sound of screeching cars?

Did you never visit the desert again?

Then

You spanned across dreams and detours

Riding like a singing breeze across hills

And dared to traverse the twists and turns

 

Mar 18 to Mar 21

Day 1

He said you spat into their faces

When they had your arms creak in pain

Then they knew you would not quit

Night 1

I know, you reached over and kicked him hard

Shattering his ego, as the truck entered a ravine 

You were grateful for being gifted a calm

Day 2

You start to fade as the light peeped in

And wondered if someone would find you

Waiting, you focus your head to books

Twilight 2

In exchange, you see pickaxes and guns

You imagine cutting through your ropes

And jumping out into the stillness

Night 2

By now you feel tears caked in streaks

You are all you have, you start writing letters

With broken fingers, in your own blood

H E L P

I will be late for work

Can someone please….

 

Tomorrow

deep down 

You always wanted to be a story

Your mother tells it again and again

And still waits for you to knock on the door

As she caresses the ikat covered jewelry box

She is falling apart just like the box, but

prays fervently for your story to not be true

 

Stay safe Jigeesha

You were born to triumph

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Ours forever – 27.9.2018

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Dear God,

Thank you for giving us a blessing

I know you have him in your embrace

 

Your ways are unusual

You wanted to teach us prayer

We are mere learners on route

Captivated by the beauty of your gifts

We believe they are ours -forever

Struggling to untangle the chords

wondering why you break your promises

 

Your promise is beyond us

in endless mountains of time

That nurture us and ours with strength

Under the spirit of sunny skies

And burnt crisp of autumnal leaves

Where the misty dew brings my tears

 

Hemisphere & Horizon

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You define me 

In all ways I know of me

 

You are the preface of my life

The genesis of every word I learn

 

You are my road and my home

Standing sure, at the corner of every exhaustion

 

You are my light and it’s music

Voices loud and clear even in my deepest silence

 

You are the finality

That nudges my calves forward, decisive steps

 

You establish my moorings

The canopy where I curl into myself 

 

You straddle fragile moments

In ways that mended with perseverance

 

You are gorgeous

Together and in contrast, my paradise

 

You trip across life, dreams on cobblestones

And I wonder if I will be even half as magnetic

 

You illustrate imperturbable composure

Giving me faith, when calm eludes me

 

You pruned your relationship, often I heard

your arguments dripping warmly into conversations

 

You shaped habits into each other’s imperfections

My compass when I meander into my own tunnels

 

You are the hemisphere and horizon

I am safely straddled with you as my bookends

Of serving love, and loved ones

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A look back

conjuring up myself

into being a present mother

is like starting over

craving buoyancy, yours

just sitting by each other

pouring cups of tea

flavors boiling over

teasing our bubbling chatter

pain erased by the familiarity

of silly details, and homecoming

 

be well Sanah

be brave

 

Invisible tomorrow’s 

you, both, inspire me

learning life, unknowingly

in a charming dismissive way

forming moments, while living minutes

i wonder, often about my presence

if I could do more

in participating, more

or differently in your landscape

often I listen to your words

the unspoken ones mostly

and hear commitment

i wish you honesty

of daily existence

and send you power

to be restless in imagination

yet restful in love

stay anchored Sahir

bring belonging Mansi

 

Beckoning

sobering myself often

into a responsible daughter

is about forgiving myself, for absence

facing questions with no answers

confident in enduring connections

you are who I will always worship

your magnificence pushes through me

while marking itself within my center

i pray each night, for strength

so my trembling heart can forever

be the wholesome warmth by your side

allow me your endless belief

you are my answers mama &papa

 

Luxury

I am thankful for the luxury

of having substantial love

and elegant loved ones, who

live in my body

ignite my mind

push my physical

make me vulnerable

hurting

strengthening

emboldening

my spirit

 

leaving me everyday

with a haunting vitality

and guided capability

to serve love

and loved ones

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yearning

C82C8183-12F4-410C-9B72-0627212E1C2DYearning

Yearning touches bruises

Turning them into scars

Self medication heals

Scratching loss into innards

Severance relieves pain

Breaking essential ties

Balm permeates a calm

Wrapping itself into hurt

Tears formalize mourning

Pearlizing as they shed

Pause allows a remembrance

Relieving the chatter

Medication delivers kindness

Measuring loss in caplets

 

Yearning for you

The void of your absence

Ensures a daily grounding

Into existence on your behalf

Sorrow brings a nutty obstinacy

To life & extracts a fullness

Creates a remembrance canvas

Yearning is hard work

Because it keeps you near

Rooting both me and you

In the truth of departure

the stillness of presence

and a nagging, ache that

whispers of the dawn

Wastelands

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Borders and Bastions

Walls

Liking each other when you are standing behind the wall

Putting your ears to the ground, wondering

waiting for music to trickle in

button round eyes gaze across horizons

Dust

booted wall guards kicking footsteps into the dust

witnessing one finger pointing at themselves

color staring at steel and sticking into crevices

stainless silences on the other side, loathing noise

Journeys

neither being in the soul of south or the heart of north

seeing the wrong within the seething rules of right

talking without pretense, finding a position of hope

dying into each other’s arms, retrieving souls

birthing downing heads into cupped heads

going into journeys without worrying about walls

Sunlight 

often forgetting emptiness, forgiving ourselves into enthusiasm

letting in sunlight into bordered in children

igniting clarity to spaced out adults

allow for paper to be about stories and not stamped notices

enabling the knocks to be about visiting messages and not separation orders

Heartbeats

Igniting commonalities with naked music

Surprising the sky with concerts echoing over walls

seeeding small talk with words of twisty flavors

editing dialogue that separates seasons

giving away keep sakes of quivering heart beats

appearing into lives instead of encouraging disappearances

Steps

Desiring conversations across miles and borders

Exploring creaking bridges with new steps

Migrating courage into spaces of fear

Making offerings of vulnerability to arrogance

Clawing into lives, even across borders

Drawing ideas of the world

 

 

Privilege

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Love is charming

It makes you open your heart

 

I have loved fully, your package deal

of quirks, interests and obsessions

 

I have wondered sometimes, specially that day

when you told me to pray – for my period pain

really?

 

When the astrologer said we matched many parts of predictions

except I thought, relationship is not a match game?

 

Our first fight on our first date was for ice cream

you chose ubiquitous vanilla, it eliminated any chance of sharing a spoon

 

My analysis is always right and on the money, said dad

he arranged us, I wished the arrangement had quotient!

and then,

 

I learned, from and with you, beside you

You were patient when I was slow, or impatient

 

I nearly drowned, into depths that loss brings

You deserved more, but resuscitated me with courage

 

You kneaded into our marriage, things I owe my life to

Long term, invisible, tender hope, and allowance for smiles

 

You hummed tunes, like snowflakes and raindrops

The baritone found places to settle, in my nooks and corners

 

Redeeming faith came through, when fingers trace paths on palms

filling in scars, seeding new furrows, to let laughter sprout

 

‘We’ worked, intersecting life with meditation

gathering insignificant dust of daily grind, in jars and caskets

 

Time often lay strewn like autumnal leaves, crushed

you always found spring and called it home, a privilege

 

You carved out voices from films, stories, to create secret tunnels

used to crawl into each other’s hearts, curling fetal like till ready again

 

You unobtrusively modeled ‘us’ goals, keeping your end of the bargain

by letting in, staying vulnerable, being curious without conditions

 

A celebration of and for you, is like making a list

of memories, of being, of giving, of honesty, of curiosity

 

Of unabashed singing

Of rooted gratitude 

Of endearing coffee

Of riveting fatherhood

Of reliable journeys

 

Of staying in love

Of finding me

in my me

 

Love is charming

It makes a home within the pit of you