I write my own story
I create
delivering a composition
of myriad emotions
cocooned in me
my blood and insides
a twisted tale which
descends into depths
of union, of ecstasy
a forceful passage
dark tunnels fiercely
contracting into voids
an abundant first cry
delivered with respite
I give birth
to significance
I give birth
am exorcised of
pain, and shame
I give birth
to begin again
reborn into
my cyclical
ability to refresh
renew
reclaim
Part 1 – At Birth
is the child coincidental?
to the deepest moment of love ..maybe lust!
the curled toes
the tightly shut eyes
the pursed lips
churns your blood with a warmth
deeper than you have ever embraced
chills your spine with a current
stronger than any you have ever survived
in a daze
you walk across the threshold
and into the door of parenthood
The sign reads –
“buckle up! it’s an amazing long ride”
Part 2 – Growing up, us
During your growing up
Growing up, and older is about detachment
Easier said than done though
The patter of your baby’s first steps
The unabashed pleasure at the toddler’s antics
The acoustics of teenage chatter
Being symphony to your ears
Replaced and refreshed now
Balanced with the sounds, sights and smells
Of the broader world, a world not as narrow
Such that your children
Are now an extension of your ecosystem
Rather than the center of it
It is a freedom of sorts
Freedom from many compelling obsessions
That is every mother’s woe and pride
Of wanting to be present in and make note of every milestone
Or what you assumed were global events at that time
the eyeball move
the baby bum lift
the first step
the changing smell of the potty
the pa’s and the ba’s
the smile or what you thought was one
the sticky first kiss
the sloppy attempt at poetry
the colors and form that became the art work
the handclasp and the finger grasp
the voice breaking at puberty
the announcement of the first period
the prom preparation
the first tie knot
the drama and the debates
Waking up one morning
Looking into the mirror
I see
Two clumsy adults
out there owning the world
Conquering, defeating, being beaten, wondering, doubting, loving and discovering
The transition has occurred and is happening now
The pleasure is immense
And as I turn away from the mirror
Gently patting my eyes
Just so the kajal stays in place
I know
I received these human’s as gifts
To hold and deliver into the world
Playing my brushstrokes
and filling in the colors over the years
That was how it was always meant to be
I was told very clearly that birthing, is not about replacing
Yet I do want to ask
Can I hold you, carry you, kiss you, hug you
One more time so I can bottle that smell, that warmth, the tender smile
I promise not to ask again
I promise to be standing right here when and if you need me
As well for those you bring into your lives
Also
Neatly bottled for you and those you love
Will be the alchemy that works when all else fails
In an inexhaustible supply, and from that irreplaceable recipe
my confidence, care, and courage
my bones, my flesh, my blood
Part 3
Playing Host
Hosting you for 9 months
The beginning of you starts with the sky
Pouring itself into my womb
With a thumping palette comprising
Of shades that transcend over
Nine months
The conversation starts as you settle in, one
Moving on to a sonnet of meditation, two
Salvaging doubtful nausea, into glowing cheekbones, three
We both partner in the architecture of you, four
Visible to the world by now, we relish the attention, five
I live inside of you, as you move within me, six
Conceived in dreams, you pulsate with developing form, seven
Preparing to pause, I embrace the flutter in my belly, eight
With a swaggering stride, I bring you into the world, nine
And I repeat to myself, my prayer for you
One that wishes for you
a substantial life
stained glass in the summer
frosted windowpanes in the snow
and crunching embers of the fall
tears that leave salty leftover hugs
smiles which pour laughter into heartbreaks
fear that trembles into your confidence
family demanding you to run for cover
a mirror reflecting to you your ugliest flaws
and as I repeated the prayer
You broke into the world, delivered
Into my heart with all that is the start of you
The start of you
an end to nine tumultuous months
months where I fell in love with you
a guest embracing my womb
The start of a new musing
as it negotiates
its way into me
I yearn for us to begin, again
I feel your gnarly fingers clasping my breast
I sense your sticky eyelashes, tickle my face
I write my own story
I give birth
to begin again
reborn into
my cyclical
ability to refresh
renew
reclaim
Kashiana 