I would if I could

If I could go back to my nana’s house

I would wipe the refrigerator stains, each night

I would however run them with kindness, not perverse joy

 

If I could wear my nani’s embellished wrist watch, a Swiss

I would leave space between the fraying strap and my skin

I would fasten the broken buckle, without hurting my wrist

 

If I could plant myself on my dada’s knee again

I would listen, rapt as he fed me almonds, but

I would feel his fingers, where the knuckles knotted stories

 

If I could borrow my dadi’s lace dupatta again

I would remember to wear it like a pilgrimage

I would celebrate her indiscernible life, hued into its layers

 

If I could hold my brother close to my chest

I would hold gently,  enfolding my arms around his neck

I would not let go, embracing ferociously till my breath became an extension of his

 

If I could place my daughter into the warmth of my womb

I would tell her to sink her pain into the innards of my being

I would drizzle into myself, for her every speckle of sunshine

 

If I could do nothing when my son pottered around the kitchen

I would let the dishes sit longer, and listen to his voice breaking

I would linger around and watch him becoming a composition

 

If I could reassemble the jigsaw with my sister

I would plait my love into her hair with abandon

I would let her laughter spill into my bones

 

If I could bring a bouquet of time to my parents

I would choose the largest one in the universe

I would infuse the petals with an aroma of whispering thanks

 

If I could sleep each past night again on a pillow besides you

I would relearn the forms and shapes of your presence

I would arrange my head into your arms, unwilling to awake

 

If I could harness moments, collect sounds, collapse days

I would swallow them into my gurgling veins

I would make them mine, forever relive just as

the waves wash sandy offerings into an anticipating ocean

 

 

*Nana/Nani – maternal grandparents 

Dada/Didi – paternal grandparents

dupatta – long scarf

 

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NaPoWriMo 2019

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